How to kill the ME MONSTER and make everyone to like you in 4 steps
Have you ever been to a party and there’s that one guy (it’s usually a guy, but not always) dominating a conversation? He is holding court, telling all the stories about how AMAZING he is. When someone else tells an interesting story, he has one that’s better. You went skydiving last weekend? Pish! He just got back from skydiving. Naked! In fact, he landed AT the party.
O_o
The ME MONSTER
Brian Regan nails it in his sketch called the “ME MONSTER”.
When I first saw this video, I blushed. Sad to say, I used to be this guy. Not quite that bad, but it’s not too far off. I would dominate a conversation, only listening to what others had to say so that I could come up with the next cool thing to say. I had a story to top anyone else’s story. And if I didn’t have my own story, I would tell someone else’s story that I had read or heard. I could not be outdone!
:(
Like Me, Please?
So why did I feel the need to have a better story than everyone else? When it came down to it, I was pretty insecure. I really wanted people to like me. Deep down, I felt that if they knew all the cool things about me, they couldn’t help but like me. But in reality I was driving people away from me. Rather than thinking I was super awesome and wanting to get to know more about me, their eyes would glaze over and they’d look for the soonest opportunity to exit the conversation.
External Validation
Humans are hardwired to belong to social groups. It’s how we survive as a species. It’s pretty much impossible to be 100% self sufficient unless you’re a hermit living in some remote part of the world where you build your own house, sew your own clothes, and grow your own food. We’re social and crave the acceptance of others because it feels good, and it makes life easier.
But, striving for social acceptance has a downside. Because we’re always checking how we compare to others, we’re always trying to figure out what will make us most accepted. Do I have the right clothes? The right hairstyle? The right car? Am I too fat? Am I cool enough? The social pressure to fit in makes it hard to just relax and be yourself.
In my case, I felt like I was not all that great of a person so I was trying to compensate by telling people how great I was. But by all outward measures, I looked like I had my shit together. Career wise, I’m pretty successful. I’m not bad looking. I’m decent father. I care for others. But deep down I felt like I was kind of a geeky, needy, uncool kid, faking that I was one of the cool kids. I didn’t think I was all that likable, and I desperately wanted to be liked by others
Connection
What is the point of a conversation? To me, conversation is all about connecting with others, and a connection is a two way flow. If there is only a one way flow, it’s a lecture, and while lectures are great at communicating information to an audience, they are a really boring form of conversation. Ask anyone that’s been to college.
;)
Slaying the ME MONSTER
So, how do you slay the ME MONSTER and create better connections? How do you avoid the glazed over looks of someone who is hanging in there because they are too polite to tell you how boing you are? How did I go from being a party bore to being a better listener, having more meaningful conversations, and just being a better friend? It’s taken a lot of work, and I’m still working on it all the time, but here’s my 4 steps to killing off the ME MONSTER.
1. Self Awareness
First and foremost, you need to work on being more self aware. Most people think they are self aware, but self awareness is really a hard thing. We are such a pile of habits and routines that untangling the “why” behind a lot of what we do is really difficult. Finding the root cause of why you dominate conversations is key to killing the ME MONSTER. For me, once I realized that I just wanted people to like me, I figured out that dominating a conversation was not the way to get them to like me. I also was able to focus on getting more comfortable in my own skin. Once I liked myself, I didn’t care as much about what others thought.
If you struggle with being more self aware, ask others that will give you honest feedback of how they see you. Let them be your mirror. Sometimes we only get to know ourselves by looking through the eyes of others. Most people will shy aware from telling you the truth about you come off to others, but find that true friend who is willing to be honest with you and treasure them.
2. Situational Awareness
The next big step is situational awareness. Do you notice how much you talk? Do you notice how others react to your incessant storytelling? Do their eyes glaze over when you launch into the next story about that amazing thing you did last weekend? Taking time to pay attention to yourself and those around can bring tremendous results.
But how do you become more situationally aware? If you struggle in that area, having a friend or a partner who is more observant than you give you some honest feedback is a great place to start. In my case, my partner was significantly better at listening and reading social cues, and would give me feedback after a night out. It was often hard to hear how I had dominated, and run right over others in conversations. It was embarrassing to see myself as others saw me, but over time, I learned to better gauge how others were feeling based upon their reactions, and curb my impulse to launch into a bigger and better story.
3. Ask
The next biggest slayer of the ME MONSTER is to ask questions. When people feel like they are part of the conversation they are much more engaged. Asking questions about others or things they are interested in pulls others into the conversation.
This was hard for me because I would get so wrapped up in telling my story, that I would forget to ask questions. For several months I would take a pen and write the number 3 on my wrist to remind me to ask 3 questions. I’d still forget, but over time I got better, and now it feels a more natural part of any conversation.
4. Listen
The final step to deal the death blow to the ME MONSTER is to listen. After you ask a question, shut your mouth and pay attention to the other person. I mean REALLY pay attention. Don’t sit there thinking about the next thing you want to say…just LISTEN.
At first, listening took a lot of effort for me. I had to practice biting my lip and not throw out some witty line or launch into my next story. I would practice the patience that others had given me for so many conversations before. It was an effort in self discipline.
As I learned to be a better listener, I realized that I used to feel other people were kind of boring, so part of me didn’t really want to know much about them. Once I got better about asking questions and listening, I realized that the reason conversations had been so boring was because they had been all about me — something I already knew everything about!
:-O
Conclusion
Nothing I’ve said here is revolutionary. Most of this is advice you can find in plenty of books and online posts. But I hope that you can learn from my experience, and maybe be a little better at connecting with other people.
Please feel free to comment below and share how you struggled with (and hopefully overcame) the ME MONSTER.
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